Excuse me sir, where do you keep the “Whoomp”?
Oh, there it is.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
You Might Also Like
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Me: Time for sleep.
Brain: Finish this episode.
Me: Ok, but then I’m going to sleep.
Brain: Check Twitter.
Me: Fine, but that’s it. I’m going to sleep now.
Brain: Why didn’t you ever ask out Anna in 9th grade? Imagine how different your life could be.
Me: I’ll make coffee.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Guy From Memphis: 10
Bargain Hunter: 241