Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
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[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”