Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

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[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure


Me: Time for sleep.
Brain: Finish this episode.
Me: Ok, but then I’m going to sleep.
Brain: Check Twitter.
Me: Fine, but that’s it. I’m going to sleep now.
Brain: Why didn’t you ever ask out Anna in 9th grade? Imagine how different your life could be.
Me: I’ll make coffee.


Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.


“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate


ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.


In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.


On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.


Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241