Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
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My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
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11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
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The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
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If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.