Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
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I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
reduce, reuse, recycle
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married