Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

cat faces on other animals, a thread

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.