Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
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[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting