Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
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What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”