Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
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I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.