Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

Good lord

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.