Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
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me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
lmao
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Good Morning.