Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?