Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
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Speak now or ever hold your peace
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
We know he can swim but…
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Dammit Chief not again
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
Tough love is true love
