Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
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Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means