Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
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My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this