Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
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It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
guys im starting to worry that 2025 is just five 2020s stacked in a trench coat
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.