Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
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me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Straight people are cancelled
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone鈥檚 mouth.
when you kill a mosquito someone else鈥檚 blood is probably on your hands.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 馃槒”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 馃檪
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.