Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
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A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.