Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”