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that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I need this for my side hustle.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
