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How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Self-cleaning conscience
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”