Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
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If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat