Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
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ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Banking tips
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell