Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.