Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.