Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?