Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

And then there were 4

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

God tier horse name today on the sims

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

every man in east london

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!