Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
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it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”