Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?