Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
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Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once
Need WebMD
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
how to have fun when you’re poor
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda