Please do it!
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All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken