Please do it!
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.