please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
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You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
sigh
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
me refusing to leave twitter
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.