Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
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I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.