Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

If you need a laugh.. 😅

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?