Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
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Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time