Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
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[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Beauty and the Beast
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
absolutely not
No one can handle that
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.