Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
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Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
✌🏽
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh