Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
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This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
*runs into dental hygienist in store*
Me: How are you?
Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth*
Me: Not so easy huh
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!
<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered
<dog barks at door>
The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
the goat of all dad jokes