Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
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If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.