@PerfectPending

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

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@AimeeHelene1

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

@UncleDuke1969

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

@chuuew

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

@HeyZeus666

My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

@VerifiedJayy

When a guy tries to talk to me while at a urinal I instantly slide over and start pissing in his urinal too. See how friendly he really is

@djdarrellripley

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

@robfee

Gravity 0/5: Worst Space Jam sequel ever. Literally no basketball.

@ddsmidt

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

@VeryLonelyLuke

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.