@PerfectPending

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

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@BradBroaddus

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

@zgbetty

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

@Mr_Kapowski

*runs into dental hygienist in store*

Me: How are you?

Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth*

Me: Not so easy huh

@BobTheSuit

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

@therichards5

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

@Underchilde

The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.

@better_off_dad

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

@KatieKatCubs

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

@UncleDuke1969

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.