*puts finger over your lips*
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
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*looks at clock*
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*lies back down*
Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
When a guy tries to talk to me while at a urinal I instantly slide over and start pissing in his urinal too. See how friendly he really is
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Gravity 0/5: Worst Space Jam sequel ever. Literally no basketball.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.