Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
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oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
The Assassin.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.