Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
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Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”