Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
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The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Facebook marketplace is a different world
