Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.