please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
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When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
anyone else like Italian cereal
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*