please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
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[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
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my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.