please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
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“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
The best plant holders?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*