please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
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Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?