Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
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I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers