Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did