Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

the only bumper sticker ill allow

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir