Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

#FunnyLife Insects

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.