Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.