PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
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Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
lmfao
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.