Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

*puts words between two asterisks*

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.