Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

I…do not understand how electricity works.

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

The photographer’s assistant

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.