[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
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I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.