Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

Childbirth is so beautiful

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.