Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.