Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
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This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Baking is just science you can eat.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
need a new bf mines broken 😐
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want