Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

PLOT TWIST:

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.