“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
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*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
my first dose meeting my second
