“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
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“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
