Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
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this is literally a CIA plant
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
felt that
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book