Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
You Might Also Like
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Tastes like chicken.
