Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

When I said I liked it rough.

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

and now we wait

Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

I’m aging like a fine banana

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam