Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
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I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him