Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

He just like my cat fr

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*