Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?