please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
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My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
As per my last nervous breakdown
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.