Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

Just organising my finances.

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’

David?

‘No’

John?

‘No’

Mike?

‘No’

Steve?

‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?

‘NO’

Pizza Hut?

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato