please don’t argue with me because the only difference between me & a psych ward patient is i’m at home
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I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
2022: I can fix it
My 7yo asked if the neighbor’s valentine decorations were legal, and I didn’t know he was on the HOA board
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!