please don’t argue with me because the only difference between me & a psych ward patient is i’m at home
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If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Britain be like
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”