Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
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HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
me logging onto twitter
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!