Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
You Might Also Like
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
At least try to make it slightly believable
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.