Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
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Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I’d love this…lol
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
We avoided this particular disaster
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.