Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
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Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Who chose this font
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t