Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
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Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
what kind of cook setting is this??
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Well, shit
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.