Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
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My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
FINE, I WON’T.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”