Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

Software Development ⛵️

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket